“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.” ― Plato, as mentioned by, Richard Lingard, A Letter of Advice to a Young Gentleman Leaving the University Concerning His Behaviour and Conversation in the World
Are you a good listener? Are you a good conversationalist? Are you recognised as someone that is really engaged in the dialogue between people?
Do you think that people truly listened, engaged and were positively involved in the dialogues in 2017?
We all make New Year resolutions – lose weight; give up smoking; stop drinking so much; start an exercise regime; whatever. Take a moment if you will, to write down what is yours? Your partners? Your friends?
Nearly every single resolution written down is a physical one. Go on, go check. And like most physical activities, they are very easy to pick up and then drop.
I’d like to suggest one small change for 2018. How would you like to have better, more engaged conversations with people?
We’ve all had really great conversations. We’ve had them before. We know what it’s like. The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired, or where you feel like you’ve made a real connection or you’ve been perfectly understood. There is no reason why most of your interactions can’t be like that this year.
What key tips have I tried that help? I am not going to say I am an expert, and my colleagues, friends and family will all agree I have my “non-conversational” moments, but what have you got to lose? I’ve listed five of the most important tips I’ve come across. Go on, add a couple of these to your resolution list.
Number one: Don’t multitask. And I don’t mean just set down your mobile phone or your tablet or your laptop or whatever is in your hands at the time. I mean, be present. Be in that moment. Don’t think about your argument you had with your boss. Don’t think about what you’re going to have for dinner. Be focused on the face; the person’s posture; the non-verbal queues, as well as the actual dialogue. Don’t be half in and half out of the conversation, as you will actually be indicating you are out of it and not interested.
Number two: Use open-ended questions. Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how. If you put in a complicated question, you’re going to get a simple, possibly one-word answer out. If I ask you, “Were you worried?” you’re going to respond to the powerful word in that sentence, which is “worried,” and the answer is “Yes, I was” or “No, I wasn’t.” “Were you angry?” “Yes, I was very angry.” Try asking them things like, “What was that like?” “How did that feel?” Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it, and you’re going to get a much more interesting response. There is a whole concept; training courses; therapeutic approach called “Clean Language”. Check out the following link for more information:
Number three: Go with the flow. That means thoughts will come into your mind and you need to let them go out of your mind. We’ve all been in group conversations in which a person is talking for several minutes and then the someone in the group comes back in and asks a question which seems like it comes out of nowhere, or it’s already been answered. That means the person asking the question probably stopped listening a few minutes ago because he thought of this really important question, and he stopped listening to focus on asking the question. And we do the exact same thing time after time, after time. Remember, go with the flow and really try to listen.
Number four: Don’t equate your experience with theirs. If they’re talking about the trouble they’re having at work or the troubles at home, don’t tell them about how much you hate your job or how fed up you are with the state of the house. It’s not the same. It never is going to be the same. All of life’s experiences are individual to that individual. And, more importantly, it is not about you. At the simplest level, the person telling you these things is looking for you to listen. Even more, to be empathetic with them.
Number Five: Learning mindset. You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn. Set aside your own opinion and beliefs. The speaker, sensing this acceptance, will become less and less vulnerable/defensive and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener. This is probably the one key idea that we should foster more widely across society.
Go on, add one of these to your 2018 resolution list. What have you got to loose.
I leave you with the following quote:
“Life would be a lot easier if conversations were rewindable and erasable, like videos. Or if you could instruct people to disregard what you just said, like in a courtroom.” ― Sophie Kinsella, Confessions of a Shopaholic