“People generally see what they look for, and hear what they listen for.” ― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird
When I was young, I was partially deaf. This was due to a number of problems with wax and my sinuses. A couple of operations later and I could hear. Not perfectly, but well enough not to consider it a disability throughout my life.
As a result, it has made me very aware of the sounds around me; the conversations that take place and the discussions that I am involved in. Does this mean I am good at hearing things? I try very hard to hear and can on occasions ask for something to be repeated if I fail to hear what is said. This most often happens in a crowded place with multiple people chatting away.
Does this mean I am a good listener? Nope!
I know that on occasions, whilst I might be hearing what is being said, I can zone out of the conversation; perhaps thinking of the answer I want to give; perhaps thinking of a parallel topic, or sometimes my mind just wanders off. Then all of a sudden, the person that is talking will stop and you realise that they have asked a question and you have no idea what was asked.
Gotcha!
The comment “Were you listening to what I was saying?” means they know you were not listening.
There is a distinct difference in hearing and listening. The dictionary definitions are as follows (via Oxford English Dictionary):
hear (verb) perceive with the ear the sound made by (someone or something)
listen (verb) give one’s attention to a sound
There is a distinct difference between the two:
- “I hear you” to me means I understand the emotion you are trying to convey.
- “I am listening to you” to me, means taking in what the person is saying. Really, hearing what is being said i.e. “listening and understanding”.
I think back to the comment that was made to me “Were you listening to what I was saying?”, actually, means more than just hearing what was said. It really means, did I take in what was being said and did I understand its underlying reasons.
The next time you are involved in a conversation with someone, really listen to what they are saying, rather than just hearing the sound of the words floating around you.
You might want to try active listening. Active listening is a set of tools and techniques to help you be more effective. Some active listening techniques include:
- Building trust and establishing rapport.
- Demonstrating concern.
- Paraphrasing to show understanding.
- Nonverbal cues which show understanding such as nodding, eye contact and leaning forward.
- Brief verbal affirmations like “I see,” “I know,” “Sure,” “Thank you,” or “I understand.”
- Asking open-ended questions.
- Asking specific questions to seek clarification.
- Waiting to disclose your opinion.
- Disclosing similar experiences to show understanding
Here are some examples of statements and questions employed with active listening:
- Building Trust and Establishing Rapport: “Tell me what I can do to help.”
- Demonstrating Concern: “I am eager to help you; I know you are going through some tough challenges.”
- Paraphrasing: “So, you are saying that the uncertainty about who will be your new supervisor is creating stress for you.”
- Brief Verbal Affirmation: “I understand that you would like more frequent feedback about your performance.” “Thank you. I appreciate your time in speaking to me.”
- Asking Open-Ended Questions: “It’s clear that the current situation is intolerable for you. What changes would you like to see?”
Give one of them a try. You might notice a difference.
In the meantime, I leave you with the following quote.
“I promise you nothing is as chaotic as it seems. Nothing is worth diminishing your health. Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety, and fear.” ― Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the Human Experience
Martin Summerhayes 